second child

Letter to my second child

I was so apprehensive when I was pregnant with you. Would I be able to love you as much as I love my firstborn? Would I have the same feelings, the same bond? Would I compare and make myself miserable? You were a planned pregnancy. We wanted you to come into this world. So, so much. Then why so many fears? I would be at war with my thoughts and feelings every single night before you came into this world. 

The thing is, my sweetheart, that your big brother was the one that showed me what it was like to be a mother. I felt things I had never felt before. The unconditional love I had for him made me deem it impossible to love another like that. 

Then you were born. And oh my God. You just changed my life. In the midst of getting worried that I would be able to do justice to you and Zaviar both, and have that kind of love for you, I never realized when it happened. But it just did. The moment you were born, Azlaan, I found another heart. One that was there only for you.

I had read once and I quote: “My well-behaved first-born gave me the confidence to be a good mom. My wild-child second kid taught me not to judge other mothers.” It had made me laugh. You are only ten months old but I can tell there is some truth to this. But not at all in a bad way.

I never co-slept with your big brother. He always slept in the cot and slept next to me for naps. You, my darling, never left my side. For some strange reason, you only slept snuggled in my warmth and showed me how wrong I was. The love I feel for you is indescribable. Your smile just makes all my worries vanish and instantly melts my heart. Your smile is contagious, my dear boy, I pray you always have reasons to smile. 

The way you instantly bonded with your brother was really a sight to behold. It was really the best feeling in the world. The way he takes care of you and became super possessive of you, and the way you always follow him around and gaze at him with wonder makes everything worthwhile! Watching your bond grow stronger is really like witnessing a miracle unfold. I really hope it only grows stronger and stronger and that nothing can ever come in between you two. Your grandmother used to tell me whenever my brother and I used to squabble, that it would mean a lot to her if we always had each other’s back. I never understood what this really meant until I saw you two!

How did you do it, little boy? How did you just come into our lives and literally wrap us around your finger? How did you learn to be so charming? Thank you for being who you are and filling our lives with so much more love and happiness. You two are really the coolness of my eyes and may you always be. I hope you can be proud of me one day because I will be proud of you anyway, whatever you do. You were born for greatness and great you will be.

Farwah Shah
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